were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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