He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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