god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
