I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
