I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
