take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
