I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
