There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
