Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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