watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
