I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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