I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
