I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
