1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
