Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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