I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
