I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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