I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
