I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
