she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am midnight drunk by noon
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
