I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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