I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize