He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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