Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize