I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
True strength comes from lack of pants
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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