Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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