I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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