weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
