areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
