i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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