I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
