I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
