dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
