if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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