i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
