Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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