C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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