I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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