I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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