you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
