WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
