he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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