Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
