Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
