I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
