tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize