I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
