these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
