Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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