Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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