you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
