I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
