Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
