Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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