We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
