Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
