Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
