On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
